Mark Stoller and his wife, Andra, moved to Falcon with their family in 2007. Both are U.S. Air Force veterans and enjoy life with their daughters, extended family and adopted rescue dogs in Latigo. Mark is fortunate to have his wife and daughters as his muse for topics, people to meet and places to investigate.
What is love?
By Mark Stoller
Poems, sonnets, stories, movies, paintings have been created and wars fought based on this one singular emotion that is as essential to human survival as food, water and oxygen.
“LOVE”
With our annual acknowledgement of Valentine’s Day, I thought I might scratch the surface in defining: What is love?
Modern Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD explained the modern take and stages of romantic love.
Albers points to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which explains that every relationship is built on three key concepts that form three points of a “love triangle:”
Passion: sexual and physical attraction and that feeling of romance
Intimacy: an emotional bond and a feeling of closeness and comfort
Commitment: the intentional decision to love another person and work to maintain the relationship
“This is the gold standard of relationships,” says Albers. “Relationships that are based on a single element are less likely to survive and keep going than those that are based on two or more aspects.”
Based on this theory, there are eight different types of love defined by the various ways we express intimacy, passion and commitment:
- Non-love: This type of love involves indifference toward another person and it’s the default for most first-time interactions.
- Liking: This type of love is the basis for most friendships. You’re more focused on the real, close bond you share with someone else and bonding over similar qualities, interests or characteristics.
- Infatuation: This is what most people think of when they have a crush or experience love at first sight. You may not know someone on a deeper level, but whenever you see or think about the person you’re attracted to you might feel a flush of desire.
- Empty love: No passion; no emotional intimacy; high levels of commitment (people stay together out of obligation, indifference or simplicity).
- Romantic love: High levels of passion; high levels of emotional intimacy; no commitment. Relationships grounded in romantic love often go undefined and can include “situationships,” friends with benefits, non-exclusive early relationships.
- Companionate love: This is like an elevated form of liking. Maybe you’ve been friends for years or you are best friends who rely on each other through thick and thin. “These are some of your deepest bonds that can often lead to a lifetime of connection,” notes Albers.
- Fatuous love: These relationships tend to evolve quickly from one stage to the next. They might involve erratic or irrational decisions, like moving in with one another too fast or feeling all-consumed by another person.
- Consummate love: Sternberg theorized that all relationships should try to achieve this type of love, but it’s the most difficult because it requires a perfect balance between high levels of passion, high levels of emotional intimacy and high levels of commitment.
Now that we have the description of love, it’s important to know how you give and receive love from others.
According to author Gary Chapman, there are five love languages. Our “love language” describes how we uniquely receive love from others:
- Words of affirmation — saying supportive things to your partner
- Acts of service — doing helpful things for your partner
- Receiving gifts — being thoughtful and giving your partner gifts
- Quality time — spending meaningful time with your partner
- Physical touch — being close to and embraced by your partner
Love is an emotion that thrills upon receipt. Love is an emotion that devastates with loss. The hope is that we all experience genuine love at least once in our life.
