Janice Tollini has worked in the health care industry as a clinical psychologist for 15 years. She is now a Talent Management Consultant, and is completing additional graduate training in industrial/organizational psychology. In 2017, she will become certified as an executive coach through the World Coaching Institute.Check out Janiceís website at http://talentworksconsulting.com.
ìLet the horse teach you about yourself, for you may be at the age where no one else can.îI am not sure where that quote came from. I only know that I read it at some horse barn, stuck on a bulletin board among photos of horses past and present.As a coach and former therapist, I am big on self-awareness. It fills offices of therapists and life-coaches everywhere. People buy self-help books and attend workshops. The most I have learned about myself came from a horse named Stella.Stella is my horse. She is a challenge, a source of frustration, what keeps me awake at night and what brings me great joy and understanding. As any horse owner will tell you, horses are a big investment. While Stellaís upkeep is impressive in financial terms, my emotional investment has been far greater.I acquired Stella shortly after the death of my beloved Harriet. I was not looking for a new horse so quickly but this snarky mare with very little training since the end of her career as a racehorse chose me. She cuddled me as I was hosing off her legs after my first ride on her, and her then-owner said, ìWow! She never does that! She doesnít like people.î I was sold.I brought her home and quickly discovered that all my experience with horses meant nothing to Stella. She never ñ- I repeat never ñ- tried to get me off her back, but she was quite clear in telling me what she didnít like and what she felt I was doing incorrectly.I was forced to push my ego aside and gain the assistance of Carrey Gunderman, a trainer who works with young and problem horses (and is amazing!). Iíd known him for a few years as he is also my farrier. When I described Stella as ìnot very confident but tries to be in charge and tries not to show when she is afraid. Sheís had some bad things happen and really struggles with trust, but she is smart and kind and really wants to do well,î he laughed and gently pointed out that I had just described myself. Huh? No wonder I couldnít find ìthe fixî for Stella. She mirrors my every fear and weakness, but also my strengths and the good in me. In working with her, which is still very much a work in progress, I had to rethink my definition of ìstrongî and reconsider my views on fear. I had to confront my own fears of imperfection and let myself learn through making mistakes, rather than merely avoiding them.We all know Abraham Lincolnís famous quote; ìYou can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.î You canít fool a horse. Ever. Stella hasnít allowed me to pretend to be brave. She forces me to face my fears and be braver ó and to be more genuine and true to myself. If I go to her stall on a mission and with an agenda, she tends to be a bit uncooperative. If I go to her stall crying, showing my fears and pain without trying to color them into some more acceptable emotion, she comforts me and gives me her heart.I tend to be a fairly competitive, mission-focused person. My plan for year three with Stella was to be accumulating ribbons and going to a variety of horse shows. Not one show, not one ribbon. But what I have gained in my time with her outweighs all the ribbons and trophies I can imagine. I know myself far better than I did before Stella entered my life. I know I am far less brave than what I wish I were. I know that my need to be perfect only leads to disappointment, while embracing imperfection helps me find what is really important. I know that my ìweaknessesî allow me to be a better person to others.
