No one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love as pure, unconditional and strong as a mother’s love.”From “Motherless Daughters, the Legacy of Loss”Tanya Bebb and Sharon Orsund don’t know each other, and they are generations apart in age, but they have something in common: Many a Mother’s Day has come and gone since they last celebrated with their own moms.Bebb was 9 years old when her mom died of heart complications. Bebb’s dad, Chris, a captain with the Falcon Fire Protection District, said scars caused by a childhood bout of rheumatic fever most likely contributed to the death of his wife, Bonnie, at age 33.Although it’s been nine years since her mother died, Bebb said holidays like Christmas, and her mom’s birthday and the anniversary of her mom’s death are still painful. “I miss having her around … going out and doing things,” she said.It’s just one of the legacies of loss.Hope Edelman, author of the New York Times best seller, “Motherless Daughters – the Legacy of Loss,” explains in her book how losing a mother at an early age, especially, can present numerous challenges that could last a lifetime.”The loss of a parent during childhood is one of the most stressful life-cycle events an individual can face, but without a forum for discussing her feelings, the motherless daughter finds little validation for the magnitude of her loss,” Edelman said. Those who have lost a mother may avoid the grieving process by suppressing their feelings.Bebb was fortunate to have a good support system. “After my mom passed away, we lived with my grandma and my aunt, and they all helped us out. We became close to them and became close as a family,” she said.But not everyone who experiences the loss of a mother has that same kind of support.Sharon Orsund, a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Colorado Springs, suppressed her grief when her mom died. Orsund was 17 years old and had little time to address her own feelings as she assumed responsibility for the family.”I played a mother role to my younger brother, and my father was so depressed and full of grief that he couldn’t attend to me,” Orsund said. “There wasn’t anyone to talk to.”If a person suppresses their grief, it can be triggered years later, she said. “It can make you feel kind of crazy like ‘why should this bother me all these years later,'” Orsund said, adding that many women are often critical of themselves. Therapy helps to validate their emotional losses and allows them to recognize that repressed feelings can be triggered around life experiences.”We’ve all experienced a broken heart, but when you’ve experienced such a traumatic loss like that of a mother, you just think, ‘I will never surrender to … feel that gut wrenching loss and pain,'” Orsund said.In her book, Edelman said that dreading or avoiding certain days of the year is a common response among women who have lost their mothers. “Certain days or times of the day, week or year can act as cyclical triggers, resurrecting grief responses.” She adds that birthdays often spark the fires of pain and grief because, as women get closer to the age of their mother when she died, they become more aware of their own immortality.”When I turned 46, the age that she died, I knew I was starting to relive memories of my mother,” Orsund said. “A lot of things were not processed, and I went into therapy. There were some more dynamics that started when my daughter turned 17 because that was the age I was when I lost my mother, and looking at her made me realize how young I was.”But although women (and men) may bury their grief for what seems like eternity, there is hope.The key to starting the healing process is to talk about the loss – in therapy if necessary – and find a good support system – a grandmother, an aunt, a neighbor or friend. “It doesn’t matter what age … when there is family there to support you and talk about the loss, to validate it and have empathy, the recovery goes in a much better direction,” Orsund said.Bebb and Orsund found direction after their losses, and both said they will treasure the memories of their mothers, forever holding them close to their heart.But no matter how much they’ve shared their grief; no matter how much support they’ve received from friends and family, motherless daughters still face Mother’s Day with a heavy heart, Orsund said.”I don’t think women ever completely heal from the loss of a mother.”
