OK, so the title of this column is a little absurd, but as the lifespan increases, should we expect couples to be celebrating more years of marital bliss, or is there a limit to how long any relationship can last?The Guinness Book of Records claims a Taiwanese couple holds the record for the longest marriage – 85 years. As was the Chinese custom back then, it was an arranged marriage. Yang Wan, the wife, was sent to live with her husband’s family when she was 5-years-old to learn how to cook and take care of her future husband. The two married in their mid-teens.Sarah Hautzinger, a cultural anthropologist at Colorado College, addressed the question of whether we should expect marriage to last a lifetime, or if our culture is developing a system where multiple marriages will be more of the norm in the future. She said before that question can be answered, “You must understand most anthropologists as well as historians talk about the kind of marriage our society experiences as a relativity new innovation.”The notion of romantic love and an individual’s right to choose their mate is a part of marriage that didn’t evolve until about 300 to 400 years ago, Hautzinger said. According to the book “Cultural Anthropology an Applied Perspective,” an exact definition of marriage across cultures does not exist. However, in most societies, marriage establishes legitimate relationships between men and women that regulate “sexual and economic rights and obligations.” Its purpose is often to unite families, clans or tribes, with little attention paid to the desires of the individual.Hautziner added that monogamous marriages themselves are not the norm. In fact, seven out of every 10 cultures in the world practice polygamy. Now, before male readers get too excited, you need to understand that only 35 to 40 percent of males in those cultures actually have more than one wife. It’s an economic thing. Lower status or poorer men may not be able to afford a first wife, let alone a second one; therefore, fewer men in polygamist societies actually get to reproduce. So, while Ibn Saud, father of the present dynasty ruling Saudi Arabia, had 22 wives, there were a number of Bedouin men wandering the desert on their own.While polygamy is outlawed in our country, one look at the divorce rate indicates that what many people are actually practicing is serial monogamy. The U.S. Census Bureau’s Statistical Abstract shows between 38 to 47 percent of all marriages ended in divorce during the 1990s. Hautzinger said she believes the high divorce rate in the U.S. is caused by both economics and the cultural idea that an individual’s happiness takes priority over family responsibilities.I asked Hautzinger what factor determines when women will decide to end a bad relationship, and she said, “Economics.” It’s interesting to note that divorce rates were high during World War II, when many women had good paying jobs. Divorce rates fell when the men returned home, once again replacing women in the work force. After that, rates remained constant for a number of years, and climbed as more women entered the work force in the late 1970s.It makes sense, and the pattern fits our stereotypes about marriage. While Donna Reed and June Cleaver may have dusted the house wearing pearls, they certainly represented characters economically dependent on their spouses.But Hautzinger said she believes economic independence and our cultural concept of individual rights may have evolved to the point of selfishness, where adults place their personal happiness above a responsibility to their children. She pointed out a number of cultures where infidelity and other marital problems are ignored to preserve the family unit.However, if divorce is so common in our society while couples still have family responsibilities, it would appear that lifetime commitments might be on the road to extinction. So, I’ve been asking couples who have been married more than 35 years why they are still together. Once they get past the automatic responses, it boils down to this, which fits our cultural pattern: People stay married because it is the best option in their lives as individuals. The person they married enhances their life.Yes, it’s all about selfishness, but it is tempered with respect, love and caring for another individual for many years. Therefore, the secret to making a marriage last in our culture is creating a mutually beneficial relationship.
